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Antiphon

by Alvidrez

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1.
in this corner I am r u i n e d quieter than I believed it’d be I have tried to burn the p a g e s It’s not enough to turn away from them the birds at night feel like the wrong thing walk in the road saying words only I believe tired of heaven tired of chemtrails signing the papers for a house in this dark land no one could tell me how to sing all my songs it’s a hymn that will show me that I’ve got it all wrong
2.
I drink a beer next to the big old parish Lose the essence of the cross next to the camera flashes I lose my faith again, walk to the river listen to the old familiar songs and cry Heaven’s empty there is no god here Belief is cooling down by the river I’m so far away Made myself a stranger I’m in danger of losing my way home
3.
If I could find you any way I know my brain would rot And I’ll resist my choice and you can kick me off of the barrow and I’ll fall into the grey and the green and eat it again and swear I didn’t all the cherries all the lemons my fingers are covered in all of it all the voices telling me not to fall back asleep again time to go now you don’t have to wait with me time to go now the car is coming my feet are warming oh won’t you come with me I’m making joy all by myself you said it wasn’t possible cause nothing here is meant for you but I don’t believe in that
4.
Hymn for H 02:59
When I got home My phone rang You said you had enough We’ve been playing god for too long We weigh our troubles on the scales of grief you decided yours weighed more than mine I pull my heart up just to watch you fall again I kill that old thing and let it fade with gentleness I watched you be so alive now you breathe without me The sun used to hold me now I have the cold and overdrink no singing no need to need I’m still singing I need to need
5.
Good Lie 03:36
I'm not longer trying to be better I want to watch myself whither I'm running every red light I'm want to tell myself a good lie I catch myself saying too much I have a taste for things that destruct everyone will go into their green and I will settle for my old dream
6.
I find it hard It’s not enough I’m difficult to love I will always give up I will disappear again You will never see the end of it Go ahead and try My body still will change To another tide A needless endless taste I have tried to change it But it calls to me And I want it I want you in the comedown in the parking lot In all the ways it doesn’t suit us anymore Strength is a weapon getting sharp by necessity But these days I forget what we’re fighting for I’m drinking the tap like my life depends on it It does but slower I want the morning to come back When everything is Immediate and prettier You are not a cold god But a maze I forget to learn And I’m a workday that lets up for no one If all this growing finds me somewhere unrecognized I’ll walk against, against the land lines
7.
Dissapearing 02:59
Spend my days disappearing on the street can you see me? Hear my voice always saying things asking who “who has forgotten me?”
8.
(Be my everything) Be Thou my vision, O Lord of my heart Naught be all else to me, save that Thou art Thou my best thought, by day or by night Waking or sleeping, Thy presence my light Be Thou my wisdom, and Thou my true word I ever with Thee and Thou with me, Lord Thou my great Father, and I Thy true son Thou in me dwelling and I with Thee one Riches I heed not, nor vain, empty praise Thou mine inheritance, now and always Thou and Thou only first in my heart High King of heaven, my treasure Thou art High King of heaven, my victory won May I reach heaven's joys, O bright heaven's sun Heart of my own heart, whatever befall Still be my vision, O ruler of all
9.
Yellow 04:15
Say I’m not afraid and I’ll jump off the edge of it Say I’m not surveyed ill mark all the score sheets wrong tell me now is my ending and I’ll live for 50 years longer oh now is my time Take it all down The wallpaper and all the women inside it I’m putting myself on a rest cure I’m so tired of all this importance and self-inventing I want to go down to the green Tell me it’s not too late I spent too many years in that cave The shadows were quite convincing, weren’t they? They were just a party trick I played with my limbs Now I need them to stand Take it all down The wallpaper and all the women inside it I’m putting myself on a rest cure I’m so tired of all this importance and self-inventing I want to go down to the green There is no peace That is beyond understanding There is only peace That comes with understanding
10.
all my strings fall to the unknown no more wells for my gold to go a plain spire, love is a mystery a card game I have the chance to win sitting on a ledge pulling apart the bricks it’s hard to know how far the depot goes if at all, it goes for you I hope it doesn’t change The you I sing to I wake up with my head above me moving through like an RPG Please be slow None of that rushing with me I know how I should break free Master of all wanting lies down in the valley of the undecided all the green inside me turns my desire into rust and it’s enough I sit in my house of guts I will leave the armor up We sit in our tender gleam Be easy don’t ask too much of me

about

Alvidrez is a composer and writer based in Glasgow. In California, the artist grew up surrounded by sunshine, beaches, and mountains—and most notably, was homeschooled by a deeply faith-driven family. Throughout their life, they were embedded in church worship groups and choirs, learning to play music in front of a crowd through this formative experience. After years of dedication to the church, their faith crumbled down in their university years, due to fundamental disagreements with the church’s deeply conservative values and ideological fallacies. During this time, they traded worship bands for rock bands—playing show after show in L.A. and finding faith in not religion but in music and underground communities.

credits

released February 20, 2024

Production: Ronan Fay and Libby Hsieh
Mixing: Ronan Fay (Green Door Studios)
Mastering: Sam Smith (Green Door Studios)
Cello: Stan Welch
Everything else: Libby Hsieh

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Memorials of Distinction London, UK

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Spewing morbid noise out into the void.

modrecords.co.uk

Mix series:
www.mixcloud.com/memorialsofdistinction/

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